Hate

I've been waffling with this post for better part of an hour. This is a hard one for me. There are sometimes I hate myself so much I just want to disappear. I fall into moments of such deep despair that it is mind numbing. Now that my body is changing, it's worse.

What if I have extra skin? What if I can't afford plastic surgery to fix it? I don't want to get plastic surgery! The most shocking though, where the hell are my boobs going?!! Well for now I haven't change cup size but they are changing. The ol' negative body image is just following me around and overshadowing the fact that I have lost weight and I have changed for the better. I am helping my heart, my liver and so much more but I can't get past the physical.

Also, I am feeling bad that I didn't start this sooner. I'm on the fence with this though. I think in this whole thing I'm doing was a lot of factors finally converging into me finally getting the nerve up to diet and exercise. I don't think it would have happened a year ago or 5 years ago. Now, this time is the time. Still think about it though.

AND.

I'm sort of single now. So meeting people for a person who doesn't like people who doesn't like herself is incredibly difficult.

SIGH.