100 Simple Nutrition Tips Demystified - Part 1

...by a bitter, bitter woman. Well. I'm bored and I stumbled upon this and I thought we can have some fun with this. You find lists like this allover the internet. Some of them are tame like this one or they are over top shit kicking bananas. "You must only eat one slice of white bread on Tuesdays. Wednesday you can treat yourself to one cherry tomato." I realize that some can help but some can be harmful so I find it to be my job to demystify these types of things. My stupid comments are in a lovely shade of blue. 

100 Simple Nutrition Tips - http://midwaysimplicity.com/100-simple-nutrition-tips/

1. Don’t substitute fruit juices for whole fruits. - Okay, makes sense you lose all the fiber that are in the actual fruit.
2. Eat whole, fresh, unprocessed foods. - Yep, but fire and brimstone aren't going to rain down on you if you eat a Hot Pocket. Moderation.
3. When buying packaged foods, read the nutrition labels carefully. - And be that person at the supermarket that people want to run over in their carts because you are blocking the aisles trying to compare pizza sauces. While I agree with this, I think it's more effective if you plan ahead.
4. Never cut any food group out of your diet including carbohydrates. - In my case Starburst was a food group.
5. Don’t eat too much or until you’re stuffed. - Yeah whatever. Makes sense but eat until you feel full and satisfied. This is probably the hardest thing about losing weight.
6. Eat something every four hours. - Yes, keeps your blood sugar stable and keeps you from inhaling too many Hot Pockets when you get home from a hard day at work because it isn’t legal to cut and quarter your co-worker so you take it out on yourself.
7. Don’t take more than one all-purpose multivitamin daily. - Just because the faces on the Flintstone’s vitamins are leering at you doesn't mean you should gnaw all their judgmental faces at once.
8. Exercise is important to burn your food efficiently. - Duh.
9. Before following a nutrition plan, check the credentials of the creator. - Alright if you go that route. If your nutritional creator can tell you what food you need to eat by touching your third eye, you might want to rethink that.
10. Keep track of your food intake to know which food group you need to eat more or less from. - I like this but I don't like this. I hate doing that food journal thing because it makes me feel like I'm obsessing. Do what feels good for you. It helps some people but hinders others.
11. Eat a variety of foods. - Except clams. I hate clams.
12. Take the skin off before eating chicken. - I do that anyway cause I don't like it. Neener.
13. Eat fish at least once a week. - I'd like to do this but mine comes in the can.
14. Cut back on margarine. - Noooo! Death before no Blue Bonnet.
15. When eating outside, watch out for large portion sizes. - I've seen studies piled upon studies stating that we are overweight because of growing portion sizes at restaurants. We are not mindless drones you have the ultimate control of what goes in your face. Losing weight is a life style change and you ultimately have to make the choice whether you eat that portion that you get at the restaurant. Have a plan if you need to eat every single portion. Have the waiter bring you a box before your meal so you can dole out your portion but do whatever works for you.
16. Desserts should be kept to minimum. - You know they make sugar free ice pops? Yeah, there is never enough dessert.
17. Use extra virgin olive oil for salads or whenever suitable. - I hate salad dressing but it makes awesome popcorn.
18. Buy low fat versions of dairy products. - Be careful with low fat items. To make them palatable they add sugar and in my book sugar is the enemy not fat.
19. Eat oily fish like salmon or sardine at least twice a week (rich in Omega-3) - If you can afford it. You can also get Omega-3 in walnuts.
20. Never smoke after eating. - I don’t smoke anymore..tee hee.
21. Don’t eat fruits immediately after meal. - Err. I don’t know why. Having something that has sugar in it after a balanced meal helps control the amount of sugar in the blood stream.
22. Replace tea with green tea. – Black or green, they both have antioxidants.
23. Don’t sleep after immediately after eating. - Follow this advice if you don’t want to have heart burn but other than that it makes no sense. The body is created to digest food at any time.
24. Apples protect your heart. - I guess.
25. Bananas strengthen bones. - Sure.
26. Broccoli combats cancer. - Okay.
27. Carrots saves eyesight. - And once turned my brother orange.
28. Fish boost memory. - I heard they were good at chess.
29. Garlic kills bacteria. - Did anyone ask how the bacteria feel about that?
30. Honey increases energy. - Yes because it is sugar.
31. Lemons smoothes skin. - Just don’t apply directly.
32. Mushrooms controls blood pressure. -Yeah if you can get past the slimy bit.
33. Oranges support immune systems. - With a complicated system of pulleys and rope.
34. Rice conquers kidney stones. - This is SPARTA! *kick*
35. Strawberries calm stress. - Especially when you pelt loved ones with them.
36. Tomatoes protect prostate. - I don’t have one, wouldn’t know.
37. Walnuts lift mood.- So does wine.
38. Yogurt protect against ulcers and help us digest food better. – Ick.
39. Eat breakfast. - Super important. It sets the standard for the whole day.
40. Enjoy soups often. - If you like soup, sure. If you don’t it won’t kill you.
41. Make a fruit salad at least once a week. - Or just eat fruit.
42. Keep a variety of raw vegetables ready in the fridge for quick snacks.- Keep em prepped too. It helps with those “I must have food in my face right now” moments.
43. Include one dark green and one orange vegetable on your plate every day. - Weird but the more color you eat the more nutrients.
44. Make at least half your carbohydrate foods whole grain each day (e.g. brown rice). - White bread is evil. It’s a simple swap but be mindful of whole grain bread, it is full of sugar.
45. Take a vitamin D supplement daily (the dose should be according to your age). - Ask your doc first.
46. Replace salt with lemon, herbs and spices to flavor foods. - I’m not a fan of salt so this doesn’t worry me but you would be surprised how much sodium a person gets in a day.
47. Eat a variety of fibre-rich foods everyday including whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and legumes. – It keeps you full. Mucho importante when you are trying reduce cravings.
48. Minimize your caffeine intake.- Fuck you. Just fuck you. Caffeine is the reason all the nice people around me aren’t dead.
49. Purchase leaner meat cuts more often.- Makes sense.
50. Eggs, beans, peas and lentils provide a good source of protein and fibre (also are good meat alternatives for vegetarians). - Fiber..ahh fiber. Keeps ya full and satisfied.