100 Simple Nutrition Tips Demystified - Part 1

...by a bitter, bitter woman. Well. I'm bored and I stumbled upon this and I thought we can have some fun with this. You find lists like this allover the internet. Some of them are tame like this one or they are over top shit kicking bananas. "You must only eat one slice of white bread on Tuesdays. Wednesday you can treat yourself to one cherry tomato." I realize that some can help but some can be harmful so I find it to be my job to demystify these types of things. My stupid comments are in a lovely shade of blue. 

100 Simple Nutrition Tips - http://midwaysimplicity.com/100-simple-nutrition-tips/

1. Don’t substitute fruit juices for whole fruits. - Okay, makes sense you lose all the fiber that are in the actual fruit.
2. Eat whole, fresh, unprocessed foods. - Yep, but fire and brimstone aren't going to rain down on you if you eat a Hot Pocket. Moderation.
3. When buying packaged foods, read the nutrition labels carefully. - And be that person at the supermarket that people want to run over in their carts because you are blocking the aisles trying to compare pizza sauces. While I agree with this, I think it's more effective if you plan ahead.
4. Never cut any food group out of your diet including carbohydrates. - In my case Starburst was a food group.
5. Don’t eat too much or until you’re stuffed. - Yeah whatever. Makes sense but eat until you feel full and satisfied. This is probably the hardest thing about losing weight.
6. Eat something every four hours. - Yes, keeps your blood sugar stable and keeps you from inhaling too many Hot Pockets when you get home from a hard day at work because it isn’t legal to cut and quarter your co-worker so you take it out on yourself.
7. Don’t take more than one all-purpose multivitamin daily. - Just because the faces on the Flintstone’s vitamins are leering at you doesn't mean you should gnaw all their judgmental faces at once.
8. Exercise is important to burn your food efficiently. - Duh.
9. Before following a nutrition plan, check the credentials of the creator. - Alright if you go that route. If your nutritional creator can tell you what food you need to eat by touching your third eye, you might want to rethink that.
10. Keep track of your food intake to know which food group you need to eat more or less from. - I like this but I don't like this. I hate doing that food journal thing because it makes me feel like I'm obsessing. Do what feels good for you. It helps some people but hinders others.
11. Eat a variety of foods. - Except clams. I hate clams.
12. Take the skin off before eating chicken. - I do that anyway cause I don't like it. Neener.
13. Eat fish at least once a week. - I'd like to do this but mine comes in the can.
14. Cut back on margarine. - Noooo! Death before no Blue Bonnet.
15. When eating outside, watch out for large portion sizes. - I've seen studies piled upon studies stating that we are overweight because of growing portion sizes at restaurants. We are not mindless drones you have the ultimate control of what goes in your face. Losing weight is a life style change and you ultimately have to make the choice whether you eat that portion that you get at the restaurant. Have a plan if you need to eat every single portion. Have the waiter bring you a box before your meal so you can dole out your portion but do whatever works for you.
16. Desserts should be kept to minimum. - You know they make sugar free ice pops? Yeah, there is never enough dessert.
17. Use extra virgin olive oil for salads or whenever suitable. - I hate salad dressing but it makes awesome popcorn.
18. Buy low fat versions of dairy products. - Be careful with low fat items. To make them palatable they add sugar and in my book sugar is the enemy not fat.
19. Eat oily fish like salmon or sardine at least twice a week (rich in Omega-3) - If you can afford it. You can also get Omega-3 in walnuts.
20. Never smoke after eating. - I don’t smoke anymore..tee hee.
21. Don’t eat fruits immediately after meal. - Err. I don’t know why. Having something that has sugar in it after a balanced meal helps control the amount of sugar in the blood stream.
22. Replace tea with green tea. – Black or green, they both have antioxidants.
23. Don’t sleep after immediately after eating. - Follow this advice if you don’t want to have heart burn but other than that it makes no sense. The body is created to digest food at any time.
24. Apples protect your heart. - I guess.
25. Bananas strengthen bones. - Sure.
26. Broccoli combats cancer. - Okay.
27. Carrots saves eyesight. - And once turned my brother orange.
28. Fish boost memory. - I heard they were good at chess.
29. Garlic kills bacteria. - Did anyone ask how the bacteria feel about that?
30. Honey increases energy. - Yes because it is sugar.
31. Lemons smoothes skin. - Just don’t apply directly.
32. Mushrooms controls blood pressure. -Yeah if you can get past the slimy bit.
33. Oranges support immune systems. - With a complicated system of pulleys and rope.
34. Rice conquers kidney stones. - This is SPARTA! *kick*
35. Strawberries calm stress. - Especially when you pelt loved ones with them.
36. Tomatoes protect prostate. - I don’t have one, wouldn’t know.
37. Walnuts lift mood.- So does wine.
38. Yogurt protect against ulcers and help us digest food better. – Ick.
39. Eat breakfast. - Super important. It sets the standard for the whole day.
40. Enjoy soups often. - If you like soup, sure. If you don’t it won’t kill you.
41. Make a fruit salad at least once a week. - Or just eat fruit.
42. Keep a variety of raw vegetables ready in the fridge for quick snacks.- Keep em prepped too. It helps with those “I must have food in my face right now” moments.
43. Include one dark green and one orange vegetable on your plate every day. - Weird but the more color you eat the more nutrients.
44. Make at least half your carbohydrate foods whole grain each day (e.g. brown rice). - White bread is evil. It’s a simple swap but be mindful of whole grain bread, it is full of sugar.
45. Take a vitamin D supplement daily (the dose should be according to your age). - Ask your doc first.
46. Replace salt with lemon, herbs and spices to flavor foods. - I’m not a fan of salt so this doesn’t worry me but you would be surprised how much sodium a person gets in a day.
47. Eat a variety of fibre-rich foods everyday including whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and legumes. – It keeps you full. Mucho importante when you are trying reduce cravings.
48. Minimize your caffeine intake.- Fuck you. Just fuck you. Caffeine is the reason all the nice people around me aren’t dead.
49. Purchase leaner meat cuts more often.- Makes sense.
50. Eggs, beans, peas and lentils provide a good source of protein and fibre (also are good meat alternatives for vegetarians). - Fiber..ahh fiber. Keeps ya full and satisfied.

I Hate Facebook

I'm anti-social by nature. Almost to the point where one of my dreams is to live in the mountains of Alaska, collect cats and only come to town for toilet paper and Wild Turkey. I figure I'm conditioned for this. When I was a kid I wasn't fat. I was just big, never petite and taller than the kids my age. Children being the evil little beasts they are, focused on this and I was labeled the “Fat Girl” at the tender age of 4.

I never had a chance.

I was teased with mercilessly all through school. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I was tortured. I got it from all sides. Mom wasn’t happy that I was bigger and kids thought being fat was akin to kicking puppies and skinning hamsters. It was hell. I got through it though but there are definite lingering effects. I tend to be a people pleaser (Except when I’m driving.) and I always think people are looking at me or talking about me, mostly because they did. Normally I would soothe myself with food. Lots of food. Now I don’t have that. I can’t turn to food anymore so I am stuck in a weird cycle of depression and overall distaste for humanity.

Things are bothering me more. It’s like that line of defense is gone. It's almost crushing. Like Facebook. To be honest it’s my own damn fault that I’m anti-social and when I see that someone went zip lining while on fire I am seething with jealousy. I don’t like change or a change in my routine because it’s safe to me. I’ve lost friends I love and haven’t done the things I love because I hate myself. It’s so easy to blame my mother and blame those bastards at school but it’s all me.

All still living with my Dad me. I suppose it breaks down to the fact that I am trying to lose what’s keeping me from the world and I’m still resisting going into the world. I want so much more from life but I can’t figure out how to get it.

Lose ALL the weight!!

Patience is a virtue that I have never had the pleasure of making an acquittance of. When I was a wee slip of a girl, my parents had to go near Fort Knox security to keep me from my Christmas presents. I am the Veruca Salt type, I want it and I want it NOW.

...and I usually get it now. I'm good at getting what I want from life except this weight loss crap. I've been so good. Not eating sugar, eating vegetables ad nausuem, exercising until I am a gasping, bright red she beast and I'm still fat.

It bothers me that people can run for more than 5 minutes without gasping for air and begging for sweet, sweet death. I see them at the gym and I just can't understand how they can do that. I go out and run and go to the gym 5 days a week. Well what I do is sort of a run, walk fast, limp and wonder why the hell am I doing this sort of thing. It's still exercise. Yes, I can run farther than I did when I first started but it is so slow going.

Therein lies the rub. The crux of the biscuit if you will. All this stuff doesn't happen overnight even though I wish upon wish that it did. Probably why my previous paltry attempts in the past didn't work. I have moments where I think to myself that "Why am I doing this? It's not working.". Actually I have those thoughts all the time and they are so powerful. I don't think it's fair that some people are born thin and I certainly don't think it's fair that they don't have to wear suspenders when they run. So let me go eat a cheesecake.

Meh.

I went for my run/walk thing, let's just call it gimping, in public with, like, people around. This was scary. I mean there is nothing like a 5'10 inch 200 plus pound, tattooed woman running at you full speed but I digress. I felt embarrassed the whole time. I felt like people were looking at me and they probably were. I did it though all 3.2 miles of it. I gimped along and felt awesome after. So, all in all this might not be happening at the pace I would love to be but it's happening. Slowly but steadily. The more important thing is that I keep going, keep swimming if you will. I can't let these thoughts derail me because I know that this is my time to be the person I want.

Along with learning that eating a cookie isn't the end of the world, I have to learn to just be patient. Another thing is that I have to realize that people who talk shit about you or what you look like are small people that have their own issues...and you are the personification of it. If their lives are so small and insignificant to make fun of a person who is trying to better themselves, then for the lack of something better to say, fuck 'em.

Daily Mantra - Don't Panic!

Daily Mantra - Don't panic, wait till you lose the weight before you worry about the excess skin. Don't panic, just because you drank your coworkers Pepsi instead of your Diet Pepsi by accident doesn't ruin your no sugar rule or give you cooties. Don't panic, just keep it up and you will see results. Nothing happens overnight.

So shut the hell up brain. I don't want to listen to you. 

(Photo Credit - sensedelirium.tumblr.com)