Who moved my soap?

See that there? That's soap. Very expensive nano-silver soap. What the hell is soap doing on a dieting blog?

I'LL TELL YOU.

My slobby brother is spending some time here. He knew full well that I spent $15 on a soap because it helps with breaks-outs I have. (Did I tell you it is the size of your average half-dollar? Yeah.) He was been warned under the penalty of death, destruction and mayhem not to use this soap of soaps. In other words if I find out that the soap was used I would rip his face off and then feed it to the cats.

 So today after receiving this soap a few days ago I went to go wash my face and found the soap...gone. Disappeared. Kaput. I know the cats haven't acquired the taste of soap yet. (Just bacon, cheese, cat litter, black socks, cardboard and cold tea so far. I haven't tested human flesh yet.) I do know he has just taken a shower. Lucky for him he is out and unlucky for me I am seething with rage.

Seething. Angry because he pulls this shit all the time. I know it's just soap but it was really expensive soap. My whole life I've had issues with him and this was the last straw. So, I'm mad and I found my self trolling the kitchen and I caught myself. I was mad at my brother but I wanted to shove food in my mouth. He wasn't there to yell at so I was prepared to take it out on myself.

It was like I was on autopilot. I was feeling intense emotions and like a robot I went to the fridge. I had the fridge open and I was rifling before I realized what I was doing. I can tell you for a fact if I had any of the crap I used to keep around it would have been in my face faster than you can say "She spent what on soap?".

I think everyone comforts themselves with food at some points in their lives. I mean there wouldn't be "comfort food" if we didn't but I took it to the extremes. In high school I had ordered candy from one of those fundraisers and I remember watching 90210 while eating the whole box and then a whole bag of Doritos. It wasn't a treat or something yummy...it was medicine. Medicine for a sad girl who got pepper sprayed that day for simply being fat. (I think the guy who did it is now a cop. Regardless, I don't think I have a problem throwing Sriracha in his eyes. I can't wait for the reunion!)

Well food isn't medicine. Thinking about it now I would have killed for an ice cream cone or four when I was angry but I thought it would make me feel worse in the end because I have worked really hard so I grabbed the closest dog and went running. Angry running is a whole different thing and I enjoyed it.

Turns out he thought it was hotel soap and he used the whole bar...on his feet. (You know no court in the US would fault me for maiming the boy.) He bought me a new bar but I think this whole situation taught me I am allowed to be angry and I don't need food to make me feel better.

(I'm still mad and now have decided to keep some Sriracha Rooster Sauce on hand for such occasions.)

(Photo Credit - Dermstore.com)

I Hate Facebook

I'm anti-social by nature. Almost to the point where one of my dreams is to live in the mountains of Alaska, collect cats and only come to town for toilet paper and Wild Turkey. I figure I'm conditioned for this. When I was a kid I wasn't fat. I was just big, never petite and taller than the kids my age. Children being the evil little beasts they are, focused on this and I was labeled the “Fat Girl” at the tender age of 4.

I never had a chance.

I was teased with mercilessly all through school. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I was tortured. I got it from all sides. Mom wasn’t happy that I was bigger and kids thought being fat was akin to kicking puppies and skinning hamsters. It was hell. I got through it though but there are definite lingering effects. I tend to be a people pleaser (Except when I’m driving.) and I always think people are looking at me or talking about me, mostly because they did. Normally I would soothe myself with food. Lots of food. Now I don’t have that. I can’t turn to food anymore so I am stuck in a weird cycle of depression and overall distaste for humanity.

Things are bothering me more. It’s like that line of defense is gone. It's almost crushing. Like Facebook. To be honest it’s my own damn fault that I’m anti-social and when I see that someone went zip lining while on fire I am seething with jealousy. I don’t like change or a change in my routine because it’s safe to me. I’ve lost friends I love and haven’t done the things I love because I hate myself. It’s so easy to blame my mother and blame those bastards at school but it’s all me.

All still living with my Dad me. I suppose it breaks down to the fact that I am trying to lose what’s keeping me from the world and I’m still resisting going into the world. I want so much more from life but I can’t figure out how to get it.

Being mauled by bears and other such nonsense....

I just realized it is Friday the 13th. Which explains today's events. It's 11pm so if I sit here and not move I hope that nothing else will happen.

*sits*

Well I don't think harm can come to me from typing other than a deadly finger cramp so I shall post and post I shall. I had a weird day. I tried to make a pair of pants and instead made a demented skirt. It was an abomination and needed to be put down. Then I made another and lo and behold they were 3 sizes too big. Sigh. Gave up on the pants and went for a gimp. While I was in the park stretching my leg I looked up and saw an honest to goodness brown bear. Merely 10 yards from my tender and tasty flesh.

I ran like no one has ever run. I ran like a woman being chased by a bear. Then again if my recollection is correct then the bear sort of looked at me like "Wha?". If it wanted to eat me, it would have eaten me but I still ran like my ass was on fire.

Best workout yet. The asthma attack was epic.

Lose ALL the weight!!

Patience is a virtue that I have never had the pleasure of making an acquittance of. When I was a wee slip of a girl, my parents had to go near Fort Knox security to keep me from my Christmas presents. I am the Veruca Salt type, I want it and I want it NOW.

...and I usually get it now. I'm good at getting what I want from life except this weight loss crap. I've been so good. Not eating sugar, eating vegetables ad nausuem, exercising until I am a gasping, bright red she beast and I'm still fat.

It bothers me that people can run for more than 5 minutes without gasping for air and begging for sweet, sweet death. I see them at the gym and I just can't understand how they can do that. I go out and run and go to the gym 5 days a week. Well what I do is sort of a run, walk fast, limp and wonder why the hell am I doing this sort of thing. It's still exercise. Yes, I can run farther than I did when I first started but it is so slow going.

Therein lies the rub. The crux of the biscuit if you will. All this stuff doesn't happen overnight even though I wish upon wish that it did. Probably why my previous paltry attempts in the past didn't work. I have moments where I think to myself that "Why am I doing this? It's not working.". Actually I have those thoughts all the time and they are so powerful. I don't think it's fair that some people are born thin and I certainly don't think it's fair that they don't have to wear suspenders when they run. So let me go eat a cheesecake.

Meh.

I went for my run/walk thing, let's just call it gimping, in public with, like, people around. This was scary. I mean there is nothing like a 5'10 inch 200 plus pound, tattooed woman running at you full speed but I digress. I felt embarrassed the whole time. I felt like people were looking at me and they probably were. I did it though all 3.2 miles of it. I gimped along and felt awesome after. So, all in all this might not be happening at the pace I would love to be but it's happening. Slowly but steadily. The more important thing is that I keep going, keep swimming if you will. I can't let these thoughts derail me because I know that this is my time to be the person I want.

Along with learning that eating a cookie isn't the end of the world, I have to learn to just be patient. Another thing is that I have to realize that people who talk shit about you or what you look like are small people that have their own issues...and you are the personification of it. If their lives are so small and insignificant to make fun of a person who is trying to better themselves, then for the lack of something better to say, fuck 'em.

Daily Mantra - Don't Panic!

Daily Mantra - Don't panic, wait till you lose the weight before you worry about the excess skin. Don't panic, just because you drank your coworkers Pepsi instead of your Diet Pepsi by accident doesn't ruin your no sugar rule or give you cooties. Don't panic, just keep it up and you will see results. Nothing happens overnight.

So shut the hell up brain. I don't want to listen to you. 

(Photo Credit - sensedelirium.tumblr.com)

Small steps, new habits and rogue pants..

So. Yeah. I am on my way. I’m having a hard time with work and life in general. I am stressed to the point where running naked down the street with a pair of scissors singing Battle Hymn of the Republic seem like a logical and completely normal thing one to do on a Tuesday afternoon. Last week I decided just to jump in and start on my fancy new way of eating. Well not really. I am just starting with small steps. I believe if I go full tilt boogie I will stress myself out if I make a mistake and ultimately fail. I think that’s where diets fail. Every. Single. Time. 

I know that the general public view fat people as lazy, slovenly and not able to have enough willpower to lose the weight. However, nothing can be further from the truth. There is no one more determined than someone that is going on a diet. There’s figuring out what diet to do, buying all the special food and then the exercise plan. Buying the DVDs or joining the gym, looking for sports bra that doesn’t cut off circulation to your liver, finding exercise clothes that doesn’t show your underwear. It’s endless. I’ve seen women at the supermarket with the whole cart full of Lean Cuisine, lettuce, skim milk and desperation. I can spot ‘em at 20 paces because I’ve been there. Starting a diet is not only about eating less and exercising; it is about dreams, hope and wishes of a better you. Most importantly, a better future. BUT. I know in my case I throw so much hope into a diet that when I slip and eat a cookie or candy, that ivory tower that I built comes crumbling down…and then I eat the whole box of cookies. Then the whole bag of candy. No one is as hard on themselves as a fat person. I’m sorry but what do people think? That fat people like to be fat?

Anyway. What is the point of that diatribe? Small steps. I figure smaller changes are easier to attain and it makes me feel good that I can stick to those changes even though they are small. Back in December I started going to the gym sporadically. I didn’t start a diet I just ate what I normally ate. Then I started using Splenda in my coffee. I have started to avoid prepackaged food and the margarine I heap on everything. Still eat it but I went from 2 tablespoons to 1 tablespoon. I am moving towards butter which isn’t the best but it’s better than margarine. I think my biggest problem is sugar so last week I have stopped drinking full sugar soda and my beloved Snapple. I am not in “diet” mode, I am in making better choices and listening to my body. 

Along with going to the gym, I have starting jogging. Well sort of a walk and then jog, untangle the dogs, pull up my pants, jog, almost hit a tree and try to figure out what the hell I’m doing type thing. I’ve actually bought undershirt suspenders to keep my damn pants up. I am not ashamed. I can’t wait to try them out.

More than you wanted to know about me and what I'm doing. - Part Two - The Food Issue

My culinary experience is that of a homemaker of the 1960’s. I cook like my mother who learned from television or her father. The only cookbook my mother owned was the Betty Crocker red and white dealie. My grandmother didn’t know how to cook nor wanted to learn. After her husband died she had no idea how to feed her family so bought diet food for her already thin brood. Mom however had an instinctual gift when it came to cooking. After she died when I tried to duplicate her recipes and even though I had made them with her, they were not the same. 

I currently cook for my father who has the pickiest palate known to man-kind. The man didn’t eat spaghetti until after he was married and that was after threats from my mother. Still our food growing up was your basic meat and potatoes fare and when I was born my mother was trying to cut out salt because she thought my dad had high blood pressure. In turn, I didn’t start adding salt to food until about 2 years ago. We weren’t allowed to eat sugar cereals, Twinkies or anything good. Then again I was on a diet from the age of 5.

So, I still cook what my mother had cooked for 40 years. However, I am becoming a little more advanced. To duplicate her recipes I have had to add some tricks that I’ve learned. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I also happen to be a very, very picky eater. Until recently I didn’t use salt, salad dressing, gravy, sauces, sour cream or spices. Unless it was the neon orange Seasoning Salt that every household had in their pantries in the 1970’s. The list is terribly long and makes me seem like a Howard Hughes type. I although am sort of a compulsive over eater. I love typical American convenience foods like hot dogs, hamburgers, macaroni and cheese and I live and die for Spagettios. I’ve always loved food, watching Lidia and Julia when I was a kid and then Good Eats and anything else on the Food Network. (Except Rachel. Fuck Rachel.)

When I met my fiancé, my world of food opened up with the glitter and excitement that only NYC can create. While he was living there and since I wanted to impress him, he showed me the joys of the foods like Mediterranean and I was more open to trying different things. Even though we had all these different foods I still stuck to my previous apprehensions. I still don’t eat mushrooms or spicy foods. I haven’t eaten a lobster and shrimp squick me out. 

Regardless, I love to checkout cookbooks from the library but never tried any of the recipes. I can’t really try new things because my father won’t eat it and I don’t want to waste food so it was just dreaming until I was reintroduced to Julia. Julia Child that is. I’ve never read Mastering the Art of French Cooking and took it out of the library on a whim. I’ve since become obsessed. With her help I learned to use a béchamel to make creamy Macaroni and Cheese that my father loves and to use a velouté to fix my beef stew fiasco today. 

I want more though. I want to learn more. I have come to realize that the food we eat in this country is full of chemicals, fat, sugar and preservatives. So it got me thinking. What if I ate whole, fresh foods, cooked beautifully, no “diet” food? I’m not talking about a “raw” or low-fat thing either. Would I be able to stick to it a diet that is delicious and adventurous? I suck at diets since my mother pushed them on me. I last about a day or two because I always think, “Why do I have to suffer?” What happens if I didn’t have to suffer? AND Why is losing weight and getting fit all about pain and agony? Why can’t it be fun? 

Dammit.

More than you wanted to know about me and what I'm doing. - Part One - The Weight Issue

Hai thurr! That's me as of today. As you can see I'm all gut but I can't complain. I have a lot of fun in that body but I think I need to work on it so I can feel my very best (In other words tell the doctors to shove it.). So I suppose we need a baseline. 

I am..

- In my early thirties.
- I weight 252 pounds. My goal weight is 165...if I can get to 150 that's great but I am also very muscular so we'll see.
- I am 5'9, almost 5'10.
- I am extremely pale.
- My measurements are 53-52-38. (I swear...I have the weirdest body ever. It's actually genetic.)
- My cholesterol is 224 with my HDL at 38 and LDL at 125.
- My triglycerides are 305. (Shock, horror, dismay.)
- My blood pressure is stable, I've always been sort of low.
- My liver enzymes are raised and I have been diagnosed with non-alcoholic steatohepatitis or NASH. In other words, my liver is of the same texture and most likely tastes of your best foie gras.
- I have type 2 diabetes, well controlled most of the time. Except maybe when I quit smoking when I was freebasing Lifesavers Wint-O-Mints.
- It's February and I'm wearing flip flops.
- I have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.
- I'm asthmatic but greatly improved after quitting smoking. (I don't want to hear it, I lived it.)

Okay, so. There it is. Everything you wanted to know about my body but were afraid to ask. I just wanted to get a baseline to start from. I've been depressed since I took those photos. I don't know why because I'm not doing this to fit some draconian ideal, I'm doing this to feel better. I doing this so I don't have to count my pills like grandma every week but it still is scary putting yourself out there for the world to see when you spend so much time hiding. How great will it be to sit down without having to put a pillow in front?

Have you ever taken a rice cake and smothered it with cream cheese?

..or take a diet shake and add ice cream? I have. Diet food and diets suck. So I am here wondering, how can I eat well and still lose weight? This is the question I have been pondering for months while seemingly sampling everything that is offered in the supermarkets freezer section. I’ve grown rather fond of Stop and Shop Potato Skins and totally need an appetizer intervention. At least I’m not smoking; I quit about 6 months ago and yay! I only gained 2 pounds. However, the joy, that feeling of accomplishment and that smug feeling that I am getting so much healthier is overshadowed by the fact I still have Fatty Liver Disease, I still have diabetes and I still have asthma. My back hurts, I have a numb leg and my feet hurt. As you can see from my cart there, I don't eat very well.

So, I have to lose weight and eat better.. My liver hurts. Don't get me wrong though. This isn't going to be one of those blogs that vilifies the overweight. (Or have those photos of fat people from the chest down that the news loves to use. I’m starting to think those people should be Screen Actors Guild members.) I firmly believe that a person can be considered "overweight" and be completely healthy. Being thin defiantly doesn't mean you are healthy. I’ve seen you skinny girl drinking the bathtub worth of jungle juice and then judging the fatties for being so, like, unhealthy. True story. That said I am sadly not one of those lucky people. Being overweight isn't good for me. I also have an unhealthy relationship with food. I want to have overall health but you and I know for a fact that’s easier said than done. Hopefully, this blog is about learning how to eat for the rest of my life, experiencing new foods and trying to figure out the answer to the ultimate question. Can you lose weight without suffering? Can you eat gorgeous, well prepared and rich food and still be healthy? 

I hope to find out and perhaps smash to bits the whole diet industry and how it isn’t out to make us healthy, it’s meant to keep us fat…and annoyed. Have you ever had a Slim Fast shake? The sheer name annoys me. Medifast, shudder.