Who moved my soap?

See that there? That's soap. Very expensive nano-silver soap. What the hell is soap doing on a dieting blog?

I'LL TELL YOU.

My slobby brother is spending some time here. He knew full well that I spent $15 on a soap because it helps with breaks-outs I have. (Did I tell you it is the size of your average half-dollar? Yeah.) He was been warned under the penalty of death, destruction and mayhem not to use this soap of soaps. In other words if I find out that the soap was used I would rip his face off and then feed it to the cats.

 So today after receiving this soap a few days ago I went to go wash my face and found the soap...gone. Disappeared. Kaput. I know the cats haven't acquired the taste of soap yet. (Just bacon, cheese, cat litter, black socks, cardboard and cold tea so far. I haven't tested human flesh yet.) I do know he has just taken a shower. Lucky for him he is out and unlucky for me I am seething with rage.

Seething. Angry because he pulls this shit all the time. I know it's just soap but it was really expensive soap. My whole life I've had issues with him and this was the last straw. So, I'm mad and I found my self trolling the kitchen and I caught myself. I was mad at my brother but I wanted to shove food in my mouth. He wasn't there to yell at so I was prepared to take it out on myself.

It was like I was on autopilot. I was feeling intense emotions and like a robot I went to the fridge. I had the fridge open and I was rifling before I realized what I was doing. I can tell you for a fact if I had any of the crap I used to keep around it would have been in my face faster than you can say "She spent what on soap?".

I think everyone comforts themselves with food at some points in their lives. I mean there wouldn't be "comfort food" if we didn't but I took it to the extremes. In high school I had ordered candy from one of those fundraisers and I remember watching 90210 while eating the whole box and then a whole bag of Doritos. It wasn't a treat or something yummy...it was medicine. Medicine for a sad girl who got pepper sprayed that day for simply being fat. (I think the guy who did it is now a cop. Regardless, I don't think I have a problem throwing Sriracha in his eyes. I can't wait for the reunion!)

Well food isn't medicine. Thinking about it now I would have killed for an ice cream cone or four when I was angry but I thought it would make me feel worse in the end because I have worked really hard so I grabbed the closest dog and went running. Angry running is a whole different thing and I enjoyed it.

Turns out he thought it was hotel soap and he used the whole bar...on his feet. (You know no court in the US would fault me for maiming the boy.) He bought me a new bar but I think this whole situation taught me I am allowed to be angry and I don't need food to make me feel better.

(I'm still mad and now have decided to keep some Sriracha Rooster Sauce on hand for such occasions.)

(Photo Credit - Dermstore.com)

More than you wanted to know about me and what I'm doing. - Part Two - The Food Issue

My culinary experience is that of a homemaker of the 1960’s. I cook like my mother who learned from television or her father. The only cookbook my mother owned was the Betty Crocker red and white dealie. My grandmother didn’t know how to cook nor wanted to learn. After her husband died she had no idea how to feed her family so bought diet food for her already thin brood. Mom however had an instinctual gift when it came to cooking. After she died when I tried to duplicate her recipes and even though I had made them with her, they were not the same. 

I currently cook for my father who has the pickiest palate known to man-kind. The man didn’t eat spaghetti until after he was married and that was after threats from my mother. Still our food growing up was your basic meat and potatoes fare and when I was born my mother was trying to cut out salt because she thought my dad had high blood pressure. In turn, I didn’t start adding salt to food until about 2 years ago. We weren’t allowed to eat sugar cereals, Twinkies or anything good. Then again I was on a diet from the age of 5.

So, I still cook what my mother had cooked for 40 years. However, I am becoming a little more advanced. To duplicate her recipes I have had to add some tricks that I’ve learned. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I also happen to be a very, very picky eater. Until recently I didn’t use salt, salad dressing, gravy, sauces, sour cream or spices. Unless it was the neon orange Seasoning Salt that every household had in their pantries in the 1970’s. The list is terribly long and makes me seem like a Howard Hughes type. I although am sort of a compulsive over eater. I love typical American convenience foods like hot dogs, hamburgers, macaroni and cheese and I live and die for Spagettios. I’ve always loved food, watching Lidia and Julia when I was a kid and then Good Eats and anything else on the Food Network. (Except Rachel. Fuck Rachel.)

When I met my fiancé, my world of food opened up with the glitter and excitement that only NYC can create. While he was living there and since I wanted to impress him, he showed me the joys of the foods like Mediterranean and I was more open to trying different things. Even though we had all these different foods I still stuck to my previous apprehensions. I still don’t eat mushrooms or spicy foods. I haven’t eaten a lobster and shrimp squick me out. 

Regardless, I love to checkout cookbooks from the library but never tried any of the recipes. I can’t really try new things because my father won’t eat it and I don’t want to waste food so it was just dreaming until I was reintroduced to Julia. Julia Child that is. I’ve never read Mastering the Art of French Cooking and took it out of the library on a whim. I’ve since become obsessed. With her help I learned to use a béchamel to make creamy Macaroni and Cheese that my father loves and to use a velouté to fix my beef stew fiasco today. 

I want more though. I want to learn more. I have come to realize that the food we eat in this country is full of chemicals, fat, sugar and preservatives. So it got me thinking. What if I ate whole, fresh foods, cooked beautifully, no “diet” food? I’m not talking about a “raw” or low-fat thing either. Would I be able to stick to it a diet that is delicious and adventurous? I suck at diets since my mother pushed them on me. I last about a day or two because I always think, “Why do I have to suffer?” What happens if I didn’t have to suffer? AND Why is losing weight and getting fit all about pain and agony? Why can’t it be fun? 

Dammit.

More than you wanted to know about me and what I'm doing. - Part One - The Weight Issue

Hai thurr! That's me as of today. As you can see I'm all gut but I can't complain. I have a lot of fun in that body but I think I need to work on it so I can feel my very best (In other words tell the doctors to shove it.). So I suppose we need a baseline. 

I am..

- In my early thirties.
- I weight 252 pounds. My goal weight is 165...if I can get to 150 that's great but I am also very muscular so we'll see.
- I am 5'9, almost 5'10.
- I am extremely pale.
- My measurements are 53-52-38. (I swear...I have the weirdest body ever. It's actually genetic.)
- My cholesterol is 224 with my HDL at 38 and LDL at 125.
- My triglycerides are 305. (Shock, horror, dismay.)
- My blood pressure is stable, I've always been sort of low.
- My liver enzymes are raised and I have been diagnosed with non-alcoholic steatohepatitis or NASH. In other words, my liver is of the same texture and most likely tastes of your best foie gras.
- I have type 2 diabetes, well controlled most of the time. Except maybe when I quit smoking when I was freebasing Lifesavers Wint-O-Mints.
- It's February and I'm wearing flip flops.
- I have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.
- I'm asthmatic but greatly improved after quitting smoking. (I don't want to hear it, I lived it.)

Okay, so. There it is. Everything you wanted to know about my body but were afraid to ask. I just wanted to get a baseline to start from. I've been depressed since I took those photos. I don't know why because I'm not doing this to fit some draconian ideal, I'm doing this to feel better. I doing this so I don't have to count my pills like grandma every week but it still is scary putting yourself out there for the world to see when you spend so much time hiding. How great will it be to sit down without having to put a pillow in front?

Have you ever taken a rice cake and smothered it with cream cheese?

..or take a diet shake and add ice cream? I have. Diet food and diets suck. So I am here wondering, how can I eat well and still lose weight? This is the question I have been pondering for months while seemingly sampling everything that is offered in the supermarkets freezer section. I’ve grown rather fond of Stop and Shop Potato Skins and totally need an appetizer intervention. At least I’m not smoking; I quit about 6 months ago and yay! I only gained 2 pounds. However, the joy, that feeling of accomplishment and that smug feeling that I am getting so much healthier is overshadowed by the fact I still have Fatty Liver Disease, I still have diabetes and I still have asthma. My back hurts, I have a numb leg and my feet hurt. As you can see from my cart there, I don't eat very well.

So, I have to lose weight and eat better.. My liver hurts. Don't get me wrong though. This isn't going to be one of those blogs that vilifies the overweight. (Or have those photos of fat people from the chest down that the news loves to use. I’m starting to think those people should be Screen Actors Guild members.) I firmly believe that a person can be considered "overweight" and be completely healthy. Being thin defiantly doesn't mean you are healthy. I’ve seen you skinny girl drinking the bathtub worth of jungle juice and then judging the fatties for being so, like, unhealthy. True story. That said I am sadly not one of those lucky people. Being overweight isn't good for me. I also have an unhealthy relationship with food. I want to have overall health but you and I know for a fact that’s easier said than done. Hopefully, this blog is about learning how to eat for the rest of my life, experiencing new foods and trying to figure out the answer to the ultimate question. Can you lose weight without suffering? Can you eat gorgeous, well prepared and rich food and still be healthy? 

I hope to find out and perhaps smash to bits the whole diet industry and how it isn’t out to make us healthy, it’s meant to keep us fat…and annoyed. Have you ever had a Slim Fast shake? The sheer name annoys me. Medifast, shudder.