Happy Birthday Julia!

She is the inspiration of this blog and my constant inspiration to live life they way you want without apologies, eat with gusto but don't over do it, to have fun and that it is never too late to find your way in this world.

Coming Soon - Elotes Locos Redux

A friend of mine told me about the glory of what is called Elotes Locos. The way it was described to me is that it is an ear of corn (sweet or field) smothered in ketchup, mayonnaise, Tabasco or any hot sauce, mustard and then is covered in Parmesean cheese....on a stick. As if the fact that it is on a stick makes it better. It's a common fair food in Central America and to this gal, utterly frightening. I think I would have reacted better if he told me that it was fried bats smothered with marmalade...on a stick. It goes against everything I stand for food wise. It's weird, it's messy and it has mayonnaise in places mayonnaise shouldn't be. (On your shirt mostly.) In my twisted little world, ketchup and mayonnaise shouldn't even be in the same room with each other. I once went on a blind date and the gentleman mixed mayo and ketchup together and I walked out. True story.

So not only am I a picky eater, I also don't like to eat messy food. I always take the kernels off corn and never hear fruit out of hand. I cut it up first. I use a knife and fork with ribs and I know, I'm completely crackers. I've come to terms with this. Then I thought about it. I like mayonnaise but only use it in the sphere of salads. I was then thinking though how good would corn be with mayo and now I am obsessed and I must be brave. So I tried it. It was sort of like when you have to give yourself a shot, it took hours but finally I showed some corn to to some mayo and it was super tasty but Elotes Locos it was not.

It has now become my mission to come up with a recipe that captures the essence of this regional (frightening) food but that is diet friendly, me friendly and goddammit easier to eat. I'm working on it but for now here is a recipe for the tradtional (weird) recipe for Elotes Locos.

Ingredients - Recipe adapted from http://www.josephwquigley.com

- 4 to 6 ears of field corn (Or Maize. Alternatively, sweet corn may be used.)
- Mustard
- Ketchup
- Mayonnaise
- Tabasco sauce or Picamás-style hot sauce
- Fresh Parmesan Cheese

Directions -

Boil, pressure cook or grill the corn. After it’s cooked remove the husk and string. Apply condiments with a knife, or by squeezing directly from the bottle. Sprinkle cheese on top.

(Photo Credit - http://www.josephwquigley.com)

100 Simple Nutrition Tips Demystified - Part 1

...by a bitter, bitter woman. Well. I'm bored and I stumbled upon this and I thought we can have some fun with this. You find lists like this allover the internet. Some of them are tame like this one or they are over top shit kicking bananas. "You must only eat one slice of white bread on Tuesdays. Wednesday you can treat yourself to one cherry tomato." I realize that some can help but some can be harmful so I find it to be my job to demystify these types of things. My stupid comments are in a lovely shade of blue. 

100 Simple Nutrition Tips - http://midwaysimplicity.com/100-simple-nutrition-tips/

1. Don’t substitute fruit juices for whole fruits. - Okay, makes sense you lose all the fiber that are in the actual fruit.
2. Eat whole, fresh, unprocessed foods. - Yep, but fire and brimstone aren't going to rain down on you if you eat a Hot Pocket. Moderation.
3. When buying packaged foods, read the nutrition labels carefully. - And be that person at the supermarket that people want to run over in their carts because you are blocking the aisles trying to compare pizza sauces. While I agree with this, I think it's more effective if you plan ahead.
4. Never cut any food group out of your diet including carbohydrates. - In my case Starburst was a food group.
5. Don’t eat too much or until you’re stuffed. - Yeah whatever. Makes sense but eat until you feel full and satisfied. This is probably the hardest thing about losing weight.
6. Eat something every four hours. - Yes, keeps your blood sugar stable and keeps you from inhaling too many Hot Pockets when you get home from a hard day at work because it isn’t legal to cut and quarter your co-worker so you take it out on yourself.
7. Don’t take more than one all-purpose multivitamin daily. - Just because the faces on the Flintstone’s vitamins are leering at you doesn't mean you should gnaw all their judgmental faces at once.
8. Exercise is important to burn your food efficiently. - Duh.
9. Before following a nutrition plan, check the credentials of the creator. - Alright if you go that route. If your nutritional creator can tell you what food you need to eat by touching your third eye, you might want to rethink that.
10. Keep track of your food intake to know which food group you need to eat more or less from. - I like this but I don't like this. I hate doing that food journal thing because it makes me feel like I'm obsessing. Do what feels good for you. It helps some people but hinders others.
11. Eat a variety of foods. - Except clams. I hate clams.
12. Take the skin off before eating chicken. - I do that anyway cause I don't like it. Neener.
13. Eat fish at least once a week. - I'd like to do this but mine comes in the can.
14. Cut back on margarine. - Noooo! Death before no Blue Bonnet.
15. When eating outside, watch out for large portion sizes. - I've seen studies piled upon studies stating that we are overweight because of growing portion sizes at restaurants. We are not mindless drones you have the ultimate control of what goes in your face. Losing weight is a life style change and you ultimately have to make the choice whether you eat that portion that you get at the restaurant. Have a plan if you need to eat every single portion. Have the waiter bring you a box before your meal so you can dole out your portion but do whatever works for you.
16. Desserts should be kept to minimum. - You know they make sugar free ice pops? Yeah, there is never enough dessert.
17. Use extra virgin olive oil for salads or whenever suitable. - I hate salad dressing but it makes awesome popcorn.
18. Buy low fat versions of dairy products. - Be careful with low fat items. To make them palatable they add sugar and in my book sugar is the enemy not fat.
19. Eat oily fish like salmon or sardine at least twice a week (rich in Omega-3) - If you can afford it. You can also get Omega-3 in walnuts.
20. Never smoke after eating. - I don’t smoke anymore..tee hee.
21. Don’t eat fruits immediately after meal. - Err. I don’t know why. Having something that has sugar in it after a balanced meal helps control the amount of sugar in the blood stream.
22. Replace tea with green tea. – Black or green, they both have antioxidants.
23. Don’t sleep after immediately after eating. - Follow this advice if you don’t want to have heart burn but other than that it makes no sense. The body is created to digest food at any time.
24. Apples protect your heart. - I guess.
25. Bananas strengthen bones. - Sure.
26. Broccoli combats cancer. - Okay.
27. Carrots saves eyesight. - And once turned my brother orange.
28. Fish boost memory. - I heard they were good at chess.
29. Garlic kills bacteria. - Did anyone ask how the bacteria feel about that?
30. Honey increases energy. - Yes because it is sugar.
31. Lemons smoothes skin. - Just don’t apply directly.
32. Mushrooms controls blood pressure. -Yeah if you can get past the slimy bit.
33. Oranges support immune systems. - With a complicated system of pulleys and rope.
34. Rice conquers kidney stones. - This is SPARTA! *kick*
35. Strawberries calm stress. - Especially when you pelt loved ones with them.
36. Tomatoes protect prostate. - I don’t have one, wouldn’t know.
37. Walnuts lift mood.- So does wine.
38. Yogurt protect against ulcers and help us digest food better. – Ick.
39. Eat breakfast. - Super important. It sets the standard for the whole day.
40. Enjoy soups often. - If you like soup, sure. If you don’t it won’t kill you.
41. Make a fruit salad at least once a week. - Or just eat fruit.
42. Keep a variety of raw vegetables ready in the fridge for quick snacks.- Keep em prepped too. It helps with those “I must have food in my face right now” moments.
43. Include one dark green and one orange vegetable on your plate every day. - Weird but the more color you eat the more nutrients.
44. Make at least half your carbohydrate foods whole grain each day (e.g. brown rice). - White bread is evil. It’s a simple swap but be mindful of whole grain bread, it is full of sugar.
45. Take a vitamin D supplement daily (the dose should be according to your age). - Ask your doc first.
46. Replace salt with lemon, herbs and spices to flavor foods. - I’m not a fan of salt so this doesn’t worry me but you would be surprised how much sodium a person gets in a day.
47. Eat a variety of fibre-rich foods everyday including whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and legumes. – It keeps you full. Mucho importante when you are trying reduce cravings.
48. Minimize your caffeine intake.- Fuck you. Just fuck you. Caffeine is the reason all the nice people around me aren’t dead.
49. Purchase leaner meat cuts more often.- Makes sense.
50. Eggs, beans, peas and lentils provide a good source of protein and fibre (also are good meat alternatives for vegetarians). - Fiber..ahh fiber. Keeps ya full and satisfied.

Fried Chicken on a Diet Blog? Of Course!

I know I am called The Dieting Gourmand giving the impression that there will be, like, food on this blog. I’ve spent most of this precious blog space bitching so I am going to throw you the super secret Fried Chicken recipe that has been passed down in my family for generations. (Lie.) My grandmother carried this recipe from Scotland under a spray of bullets to this country so she may continue sharing this pinnacle of chickenness. (Another lie.) This is a recipe that puts all chicken recipes to shame. (Big lie.)

Actually, I think my mother came up with this when the pantry was bare and was working with what she had. However, sometimes the best things come from desperation and this is one of them. Like they say (Whoever “they” are.), necessity is the mother of invention. Keep in mind though that this recipe is all relative. You can add or subtract where you like. I’ve used yogurt instead of buttermilk and sometimes simply milk. So have fun but if you add sardines and capers, I don’t want anything to do with you. We have nothing in common. Really.

What you need for chicken awesomeness –

-    Package of Fresh Chicken Legs, skinned. (Before you go all scrappy and call me a heathen for removing the skin, try it first!)
-    Carton of Low-Fat Buttermilk (This is a diet blog, duh.)
-    1 Egg
-    3 cups of All-Purpose Flour
-    1 cup of Parmesan Cheese (Canned is okay but fresh is all gourmet like.)
-    ¼ cup of Seasoning Salt (Yes, the orange stuff. Sue me.)
-    Salt and Pepper to taste
-    Vegetable oil in a pan, electric skillet or a deep fryer. I prefer the pan method because it adds more flavor and is easier to control but a deep fryer is just fun.

Things to do to make this chicken get into your face –

-    Whisk together buttermilk and egg. Skin chicken legs (Play out your Buffalo Bill fantasies here.) and place in bowl and cover with buttermilk mixture. Let marinate, refrigerated for an hour.
-    Mix together flour, Parmesan cheese, seasoning salt and salt and pepper in bowl. Sometimes when I am feeling sexy I will use Old Bay too. This is where you can have fun. Cheddar in the flour mixture and buffalo hot sauce in the buttermilk mixture? Hell yes.
-    When chicken has marinated for an hour and you have donned your gas mask to deal with the buttermilk funk (I think buttermilk smells like death.) it’s time to dredge. Simply take a leg out, dip in the flour mixture and put it aside. Keep the flour mixture handy though.
-    Preheat your deep fryer, electric skillet or frying pan to 375°degrees.
-    When you are ready to fry take each leg and re-toss it in the flour and put it in the oil. (You don't have to do this but I think it adds a nice crispness.) Fry until golden brown and delicious! 
-    Present it on a plate you stole from your co-worker and decorate with a single spinach leaf. (Okay, not necessary.)

To keep it diet friendly I have 2 legs with a huge, beautiful salad. That’s what it’s about. It’s fried but if you keep it balanced you can enjoy all foods in moderation. That’s what I’m hoping. This is wonderful hot or cold and great for barbeques and picnics. You can also use thighs, breasts, make nuggets and this is also great for fish too.

It might not be the bestest chicken recipe out there but it’s pretty damn good. I hope you enjoy! Now back to the regularly scheduled bitching.

Hate

I've been waffling with this post for better part of an hour. This is a hard one for me. There are sometimes I hate myself so much I just want to disappear. I fall into moments of such deep despair that it is mind numbing. Now that my body is changing, it's worse.

What if I have extra skin? What if I can't afford plastic surgery to fix it? I don't want to get plastic surgery! The most shocking though, where the hell are my boobs going?!! Well for now I haven't change cup size but they are changing. The ol' negative body image is just following me around and overshadowing the fact that I have lost weight and I have changed for the better. I am helping my heart, my liver and so much more but I can't get past the physical.

Also, I am feeling bad that I didn't start this sooner. I'm on the fence with this though. I think in this whole thing I'm doing was a lot of factors finally converging into me finally getting the nerve up to diet and exercise. I don't think it would have happened a year ago or 5 years ago. Now, this time is the time. Still think about it though.

AND.

I'm sort of single now. So meeting people for a person who doesn't like people who doesn't like herself is incredibly difficult.

SIGH.

Who moved my soap?

See that there? That's soap. Very expensive nano-silver soap. What the hell is soap doing on a dieting blog?

I'LL TELL YOU.

My slobby brother is spending some time here. He knew full well that I spent $15 on a soap because it helps with breaks-outs I have. (Did I tell you it is the size of your average half-dollar? Yeah.) He was been warned under the penalty of death, destruction and mayhem not to use this soap of soaps. In other words if I find out that the soap was used I would rip his face off and then feed it to the cats.

 So today after receiving this soap a few days ago I went to go wash my face and found the soap...gone. Disappeared. Kaput. I know the cats haven't acquired the taste of soap yet. (Just bacon, cheese, cat litter, black socks, cardboard and cold tea so far. I haven't tested human flesh yet.) I do know he has just taken a shower. Lucky for him he is out and unlucky for me I am seething with rage.

Seething. Angry because he pulls this shit all the time. I know it's just soap but it was really expensive soap. My whole life I've had issues with him and this was the last straw. So, I'm mad and I found my self trolling the kitchen and I caught myself. I was mad at my brother but I wanted to shove food in my mouth. He wasn't there to yell at so I was prepared to take it out on myself.

It was like I was on autopilot. I was feeling intense emotions and like a robot I went to the fridge. I had the fridge open and I was rifling before I realized what I was doing. I can tell you for a fact if I had any of the crap I used to keep around it would have been in my face faster than you can say "She spent what on soap?".

I think everyone comforts themselves with food at some points in their lives. I mean there wouldn't be "comfort food" if we didn't but I took it to the extremes. In high school I had ordered candy from one of those fundraisers and I remember watching 90210 while eating the whole box and then a whole bag of Doritos. It wasn't a treat or something yummy...it was medicine. Medicine for a sad girl who got pepper sprayed that day for simply being fat. (I think the guy who did it is now a cop. Regardless, I don't think I have a problem throwing Sriracha in his eyes. I can't wait for the reunion!)

Well food isn't medicine. Thinking about it now I would have killed for an ice cream cone or four when I was angry but I thought it would make me feel worse in the end because I have worked really hard so I grabbed the closest dog and went running. Angry running is a whole different thing and I enjoyed it.

Turns out he thought it was hotel soap and he used the whole bar...on his feet. (You know no court in the US would fault me for maiming the boy.) He bought me a new bar but I think this whole situation taught me I am allowed to be angry and I don't need food to make me feel better.

(I'm still mad and now have decided to keep some Sriracha Rooster Sauce on hand for such occasions.)

(Photo Credit - Dermstore.com)

I Hate Facebook

I'm anti-social by nature. Almost to the point where one of my dreams is to live in the mountains of Alaska, collect cats and only come to town for toilet paper and Wild Turkey. I figure I'm conditioned for this. When I was a kid I wasn't fat. I was just big, never petite and taller than the kids my age. Children being the evil little beasts they are, focused on this and I was labeled the “Fat Girl” at the tender age of 4.

I never had a chance.

I was teased with mercilessly all through school. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I was tortured. I got it from all sides. Mom wasn’t happy that I was bigger and kids thought being fat was akin to kicking puppies and skinning hamsters. It was hell. I got through it though but there are definite lingering effects. I tend to be a people pleaser (Except when I’m driving.) and I always think people are looking at me or talking about me, mostly because they did. Normally I would soothe myself with food. Lots of food. Now I don’t have that. I can’t turn to food anymore so I am stuck in a weird cycle of depression and overall distaste for humanity.

Things are bothering me more. It’s like that line of defense is gone. It's almost crushing. Like Facebook. To be honest it’s my own damn fault that I’m anti-social and when I see that someone went zip lining while on fire I am seething with jealousy. I don’t like change or a change in my routine because it’s safe to me. I’ve lost friends I love and haven’t done the things I love because I hate myself. It’s so easy to blame my mother and blame those bastards at school but it’s all me.

All still living with my Dad me. I suppose it breaks down to the fact that I am trying to lose what’s keeping me from the world and I’m still resisting going into the world. I want so much more from life but I can’t figure out how to get it.